記一則

被放鴿子了。
當媽咪和我道歉的時候，其實我很難過。
也很心疼。
有什麽事情比找不到自己更難過，更沮喪。
最後，我哭了。

生悶氣的時候，我常常想到海尼根。
海尼根，很強的欲望。
只是我在掙扎。
真的要嗎？
我喜歡那苦澀的味道，
因爲那和我難過的心情很相似。

只是愛我的人，
會難過嗎？
我想，會的。

其實，是否太刻板了？
若沒有形式上的酒=不好，
也許我們會飲的舒服些。
當然，最後我並沒有選擇海尼根。

一夥朋友在7/11買了飲料和零食，
回到宿舍繼續趕課業，
反正大家都會趕通宵。

從前的淩晨六點，是去學校的時間，
現在的淩晨六點，是大家趕通宵后，相約好去吃早餐的時間。
清爽的空氣，空蕩蕩的街巷，感覺挺好的。
瘋狂的喊著，笑著，打鬧著。
真想高呼 : 年輕真好！

我確實心疼了，

倘若那是你想要做的，

那我也不會說些什麽。

我依然在你身邊。

振作

近來我常常問自己。

要敞開心懷真的那麽難？

是自己不願意？

還是被什麽牽絆著？

我想要嘗試。

開鎖的滋味。

因爲我想要被陽光照耀。

不再想躲在濕淋淋的角落。

我必須告訴自己。

我可以。

太多的讚美會模糊視眼。

太多的批判會打消意志。

太自卑的心情會鬱悶了自己。

我要信心。

我要。

過渡期

真的疲憊了。身，是。心，亦是。
回到804，躺在床上，沒睡，只是想好好地怠惰。

頭腦沒有停止。我想著總是放縱我任性的爸爸，我念著總是包容我所有的媽咪，我挂著那總是對我不理不睬的妹妹，我思著我那可愛到不行的弟弟。
再一會兒，我想到那很久沒聯絡的女人。我想著在夢裏出現兩天的過去愛人。

眼角濕潤了。我不甘心。不願意讓淚滴流出來。我不知道要和誰說。和這裡的朋友嗎？可是大家都是當局者。說什麽？純為發洩？抑是想要被撫慰。
是的，我睡了。也許，這個時候，是最輕鬆的。不用想，沒有面具，沒有是非。

心裏在掙扎什麽？老師給我的功課，我放了兩面面具，一個被捆綁的心，還有一個関在角落，除去面具的人。象徵什麽？我不想承認，也不想面對，可是，那就是我啊。害怕被人看穿，恐懼讓人摸索到我的脆弱。爲何總是要裝強？

心，不是空虛的。因爲依然有朋友陪伴，有笑聲裝飾。可是卻，複雜了。也或許其實並沒有，我只不過在好好地忽略它而已。

身，也是繁忙的。機械式的運作，麻木式的思考，沒有溫暖，沒有愛。愣了，冷了。

是過渡期，應該是。再學習適應不就得了？

終于聽到了你的聲音，女人。感覺好暖。

有人。。。未必。。。

有人失眠。

有人暴躁。

有人安靜。

有人若無其事。

有人跑到操場大喊大叫。為發洩。

有人拼命運動。爲抒解。

有人不說一句話。為求安靜。

有人慾飲酒。為墮落。

爲任性。



有人狂笑。未必快樂。

有人安靜。未必沒話説。

有人憂愁。未必末路。

有人嬉皮。未必膚淺。

有人吵鬧。未必不認真。

有人聼歌。未必有水準，

有人看電影。未必有文化。

有人不修邊幅。未必邋遢。

有人尖酸刻薄。未必不善良。

有人很仁慈。未必是天使。

有人很見外。未必不溝通。

有人很愛說。未必有内涵。

有人很堅強。未必不會倒。

有人很愛哭。未必易崩潰，

你看到的，未必是真的。

你沒有看見的。未必是假的。

生路？

爲何尋求身體慰籍
我以爲早已經放棄
也許一個人逞強逞久了
會很疲憊
我不知道到底爲了什麽
逞強什麽
只是知道
即使再憔悴
我還是毅然要逞強
是不想被看貶
抑或是不想讓人看見我的軟弱
只是這幾夜
我真的需要一個踏踏實實地擁抱
我也只是一個女人
有時候也渴望有個臂彎可以依靠
曾經在愛情裏受了傷
以爲千瘡百孔的心不願再相信愛情的美麗
可是我知道再怎樣倔強固執都好
我還是對愛情有一份憧憬
縱使那份憧憬包含著多份的戰戰兢兢與一分心有餘悸
也許我還欠缺那一份追求的勇敢
也許我還不願意放自己一條生路

我只是需要一個真心的擁抱

只可惜逞強的我

還是選擇了自己擁抱自己

再多的懦弱

我也只是留給我自己

Train . 22.39pm

Though alone but I was having my mp3 with me.

It was playing 'Casablanca', an old piece of song that I missed out long time ago.

A Malay girl was asking me direction. I answered and we both ended up with a smile.

Is she still considered stranger? Someone who talked and smiled at me. Could not differentiate. But now I noticed, they have a name called 'Acquaintance'. Wonder if I have it spelled right, anyway, trying to be lame as usual.

[You looked really pale.]

Really? I did not notice. But I have been really tiring nowadays. Easily exhausted. Headache as well. Maybe I was staying up too late. I was weak in health.

I am just like others. Fragile inside. Friend told me that I look indifferent everytime I remain silence and corner myself in thinkings. But this is just the other side of me. Eversince I stepped into the school, I have no time to tidy up my feelings. I could only manage to leave the mess and simply throw every bits inside my heart and lock it up. Day by day, the increment of unsolved feelings conquered me and I knew ,when it reached the peak, I will just going to fall and collapse.

Somehow, I missed having someone at my side, guiding me and companying me. High expectation often disappointed me in return. That is why I could not find someone suitable to stay with me when I really need someone.

But it was okay. I will handle it my own. I will try, atleast.

No worries okay, I am just grumbling.

That's all.

Be tough.

Train.22.39pm

Alone but I was having my mp3 with me. It was singing 'casablanca', an old piece that I missed out long time ago.

Addicted to oldies nowadays, too stressed,maybe. My pal was telling me that I looked really pale, especially my lips. I could only managed to return her a smile because I don't know what to do and tell besides that.

Everytime I remain silence and corner myself into thinkings , my pal will find me really indifferent. But this is me, I want to voice out, somehow i cant. The ability to speak has gone.I left everything messy and just throw every bits inside my heart and have them lock up.

The increment of days, the stress, the unsolve feelings had been conquering me. I'm not tough. Sometimes, I really need someone to be at my side, guiding me, companying me. I'm just like others. Fragile inside.

But there's no one beside. Maybe I'm having too high expectation on others. It's okay for me. I just need to learn to grow, I just need to stand on my own, I just have to be tough.

Because I just need to. No worries, I'll take care of myself.I just need a place to grumble.

You just have to be tough. Believe you can.